I’ve heard that the one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell. From April to June I was at rock bottom. I lost the person I thought I couldn’t live without, a child, my ability to run because of physical problems, and a lot of respect for myself. During those dark months it never hit me that things could ever get better. I was physically limited and mentally torn down. Weight that I fought so hard to lose came back, but being pregnant followed by a major health issue didn’t help me physically or mentally. Before the doctor put me under for my surgery, he held my hand and told me I was going to feel like a whole new woman when I woke up. I never could have imagined how true his words were.
Within a few weeks post surgery, I started running again. I was slow, which was a kick to my confidence, but I was running. Despite my troubles with speed and building endurance, I was amazed at how the pieces of my life slowly started coming together. By August I started a new job that happened to be centered around my passion. I enrolled at UMSL (and plan to graduate in May). I began talking to a doctor and taking medicine to better regulate my mood and keep me as stable as possible, but most importantly I decided to embrace the future rather than be caught in the past.
It took me 6 months to finally enter the dating game again, and, thanks to tinder, I’ve met some pretty cool people. When it comes to having a job, school, and a running career the bars are not always the best place to meet your potential soulmate. According to others, neither is Tinder, but to each their own. Going into the dating game after a traumatic and abusive relationship was almost as difficult as those first few runs after surgery… But after more than a few “crash and burn” dates I finally figured out how to master the dating scene, and, lucky for me, learned how to set high standards for what I want in a partner. The parallels that I felt with dating and running were scary, but I now feel like I’m coasting through both.
To give whatever readers I have an update, I have completed my third marathon- missing a PR by 3 minutes- and have began training for my first 40 mile ultra marathon in February and my 4th full marathon this coming April. The best part about this training season is how the training differs from my average “running”.
Trails are beautiful but DIFFICULT. My 8:30 pace is challenged by rocks, roots, cliff edges and steep inclines that mimic stairs more than hills. I can barely stay under 11 minute miles, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying the scenic trails. I’m only in the beginning of my training but I’m excited to see how I will grow through trail training as well as ultra training. My last round of marathon training was therapeutic and I think this round will bring me to peace from the trauma I faced.
Today I go rid of the past. My surgery paperwork, the papers that had my due date, all of the random things I’ve held onto for no reason. There is no point to hold onto thing that have no meaning or use. Sometimes I think about how I would look right now and wonder about what I would’ve done had things not happened the way that they did, but I can honestly say that I now believe fate is a very real thing.
I didn’t die when I was weak and hoping not to wake up because I felt so empty and hopeless. I didn’t give up when I had to fight to give myself some kind of motivation to get out of bed. I kept fighting to give myself something to look forward to, and, even though there are still bad days, I am so thankful to be the woman I am today, to have had the experiences that I’ve had, and to still have dreams and aspirations that guide me into everyday life. I’m not the fastest I’ve ever been, I’m not the skinniest version of myself, I still feel self conscious, but I know that this is my one life and I’m going places because I will not settle or let the past break down the person I’m meant to be.