Dates, places, people, and whatever else that leads to adventure and self exploration.
One of my favorite places: Big Tree in Columbia
My grief obliterated my ability to hold back.
I was 22, the same age she was when she’d been pregnant with me. She was going to leave my life at the same moment that I came into hers, I thought.
I prayed to the whole wide universe and hoped that God would be in it, listening to me. I prayed and prayed, and then I faltered. Not because I couldn’t find God, but because suddenly I absolutely did: God was there, I realized, and God had no intention of making things happen or not, as saving my mother’s life. God was not a grantor of wishes. God was a ruthless bitch.
Recently, well not really recently, I’ve been challenging myself with higher mileage, running without music, and really trying to connect wholeheartedly with my body while running. For the first time in a long time I am running like I used to. Now, I may not be as fast but I am approaching my runs, and even daily activities differently. I’ve discovered a level of independence that I’ve never really felt before. I’m not actively trying to date anyone, I start school tomorrow, I turn 23 on Thursday, and I currently am stuck in bed debating on more sleep or a 5 mile recovery. I like where I’m at right now. I’m happy, at peace, and excited for the future.
I couldn’t visit the zoo, forest park, Delmar for about 2 years because I had to deal with something traumatic that made returning to those places anxiety induced and put me on edge. I still can’t really visit Columbia that often, despite a lot of my friends visiting and living there.
The point is, I can finally go to places I love and grew up at because I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve broken down mental barriers that had physical affects on me and I think that’s pretty neat. The zoo always makes me feel at home, being surrounded by animals.. all of which I want to pet, but that’s just me.
There are many more adventures to come- long runs included.