The Path to My Personal Chernobyl

You can take the necessary steps to better yourself, but there will always be days where you stop and ponder “why am I doing this?”

Sunday’s are typically a rough day for me. Monday is looming and I spend the majority of the day completely alone. I’m not sure how you think, but I’m one of those people who are hostage to my mind. When I’m not running or working out the anxiety sweeps over me, leading to a wide open door for the emotions I leave behind me to enter.

These thoughts and feelings never leave, but rather creep, always lurking around the corner. There comes a time where you have to sit down and do nothing, your body has a breaking point. You cannot simply “work off” the negative emotions when you’re low- you have to be able to identify and react to them in a healthy and mindful way.

Writing is becoming as therapeutic as the miles I run, but you can only say so much without coming off as a complete loon.

I quit drinking because I was damaging myself by numbing my mind and body. I quit smoking because it doesn’t really add anything other than a quick fix of relaxation. I’ve given up on creating friendships because I can’t do normal things people do and surround myself with alcohol or really afford to travel and pay for experiences. Running social groups are as clique-y as high school. Instagram and Facebook are there to make you feel wanted, when in all reality it’s easier to hit 👍🏻 or ❤️ than make true and meaningful relationships.

I only feel myself when my heart is racing and my body is moving. Running heals, but right now I need to learn about how to enjoy the calmness of nothingness and get my mind to be one with my heart. I guess meditation and yoga will need to become a staple in my life to make up for all the regulatory emotions and social interaction I’m missing out on.

Today writing helped me avoid my Chernobyl meltdown. Today I had a great run. Today, despite how low I feel, was not all that terrible and that’s all I need for a push to get out of bed tomorrow.

XO, SG

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