I cannot find the words to really express how I feel anymore. Broken, sad, overwhelmed, grateful, afraid, dare I say, semi-optimistic? The girl who changed her whole life, was featured in Runners World, made a statement in both my mental and physical self… is finally admitting she hit a wall. Believe it or not, the wall was hit when I was hit by a car a year ago. With the weight gain comes many other emotional and physical challenges. Do I let the bitterness sting? Yes, because I have been bitter and angry for a good while. My life has spiraled and with that has come health problems, the loss of running, and the weight gain.
Who am I to make excuses? I let myself get fat and overworked my body when it was weak and fragile, and now I am repaying in nearly every aspect of my life. The skinny little runner is now the overweight, struggling post graduate who hates the path she’s on. Only I can make the change, but now the question of “What can I change?” comes into play. I want to quit (4 months sober 4/18) drinking, (hey this is changing)eating bad, (pass, i quit drinking) soda, people, but once something happens I spiral with the bad habits and break down all that I have worked towards. It seems like the spiral keeps happening, like the darkness that entrenches a cave.
Being trapped in this cave has its perks. As fast as I dart towards the stream of light I see I trip and break an ankle (both metaphorically and literally), leaving me to fall into the few comforts I have along with me on my journey. Occasionally there are others who come to my aide but leave to either to get help or to only help themselves. As I crawl, hands bloodied and weak, I tend to my wounds and then once again use the few tools I have for comfort.
I’m over 200 pounds, when a short while ago I was 140.
2018 – UPDATE
Well, I ended up getting fatter and the spiral kept getting worse until I had the nerve to pull a Shawshank Redemption and starve myself, make a little hole through the wall, and crawl out via a sewage system. I let the demons get the best of me, but if you couldn’t tell from the minor changes made above I’ve been making progress-ish.
Progress isn’t just about the pounds. It’s about changing oneself to live a better, healthier life. Mentally i am stronger and more out together than I’ve been in years, but i believe growing up has a lot to do with that.
I like to do my own thing, right now working out and running (when able) helps me get stronger and better motivated to continue to being the best version of me- a totally subjective self identifying term IMO.
I’ve let my head get ahead of my heart as of late, and when it comes down to it this is my journey. No one else can push me as I do myself and nor do I want them to. It’s my ride.
I want to write more, I want to explore what I can push myself to do. I want to feel comfortable in my own body and not dwell on everything that has broken me down.
I’m a fucking survivor. I’ve overcome more than most people ever experience in their lifetime and I deserve to live like there’s something more than the motions of being.
Overcoming my past is the key to a better future and I’ve decided that only I will dictate my happiness. All I need is me, my dog, and my grandparents.
Let’s hope I can keep up with this thing again.