Losing Weight and Losing Yourself – What Happens When the Pounds Come Back?

If you’re reading this, I am sure your interest has peaked. Maybe you’re this person who gained a bunch of weight after being healthy for so long. Maybe you saw my story and though “damn, that sucks she got fat again.” MAYBE, just maybe, you stumbled upon this blog and decided to give it a read.

130 pounds. That’s what the scale read when I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. To the outside world, I appeared happy, goal-oriented even, but I was engrossed in an unhealthy lifestyle that lead to fainting spiels, emotional breakdowns, a hospitalization, and a physical disability that affects me to this day. I was in the best/worst shape of my life, quick on my feet, and when everything crashed, I lost my footing, passion, and then entered a world of weight gain and injuries.

A 6 time marathoner, and, even if I am over 200 pounds, I will do it again after an ankle injury heals. I ride my bike, and am trying to teach myself to self-love again. I think for a lot of people, especially myself, depression and anxiety is a major reason as to why the weight gain occurs. I live for a run. Even if I am slow as hell, being out there enthralls me, but after being hit by a car last January, things have never been the same. I was lost, scared, and dealing with an untreated mental illness that scared my family so bad they moved me in with relatives who could “deal” with me. I had pain and chronic bleeding, but I pushed on.

I pushed on… until the pushing lead to injury, a deeper rooted depression emerged, and the will to move forward withered away. While not being able to work out for months, losing any and all drive for the days I could. I used unhealthy vices to fulfill a void that grew for a year and a half. I cannot do what I love and am forced to move on. It almost feels like a break up, because despite losing the passion, the longing for that feeling is still there. I beat my body down so bad that I physically cannot walk some days due to a broken ankle from running 2 marathons in 5 days. I did what I loved, twice, and am still paying for it- leaving 2 marathons unattended this year, hundreds of miles lost, and heartbreak from the

I would like to train for a 100 mile bike ride, but I am totally unaware of how to even start riding on roads, and a part of me is terrified because of all the work I have undone over months of rest, over eating, and depression. I’m sure some of you can relate. Whether its being 25 years old with bad knees, a debilitating disease, thyroid issues- the list goes on and I want you all to know – struggling or not – that you have support. I realize that a workout group on Facebook may not be the accountability you need, but there are tons of people in the position that I – and maybe you – are in.

I wish I had some major secret to share- like how to get started again but the only way I know is just to start. Be smart and healthy about the choices you make and get into something that is maintainable. Not everyone is a marathon runner, or even a runner. You have lifting, cycling (the only thing apart from abs I can do without a boot), rowing, swimming- the options are endless, but only you have the power to get yourself motivated and start.

We all have issues and working through those and focusing on self-love is most important if you are struggling. Working out should never be replaced when actual psychiatric or medical help is needed. I know I am guilty of trying to replace fitness with medicine, and even though my medication causes weight gain, I know the rest and food I give myself will be a strong aid in starting a healthy habit. Start small, whether its therapy or changing dietary habits. Focus on yourself, and getting yourself situated. You and only you know that the options are endless, it’s all about starting on the right path and understanding that health and wellness takes time.

There are no overnight remedies to change yourself, it takes work- just like weight loss. Only you can decide when you are ready to face the challenge.

XO, SG

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