4 months ago I couldn’t have told you what it felt like to feel hope, happiness, and gratefulness. I was living in a place where I was depressed, alone, and lost with guilt consuming me. Running wasn’t an option, having someone to lean on was an impossible task, and I was physically and mentally confined to a room because of the many physical limitations from losing Road House and endometriosis. My heart and mind were trapped in an endless cycle of reliving the loss, the break-up, and fear of starting over in a place that hadn’t felt like home in years.
Before everything happened, I truly thought I was with my soulmate. We were both runners, he challenged me, and I felt so much admiration when I looked at him. What I lost in that relationship was a love for myself. It is easy to engulf yourself in a person to where you believe they are “IT”. When you lose your “IT” in addition to a child, your school, your jobs, your friends and support things can get rocky. Multiple traumas hit at once and I truly let them get the best of me. When the winds of life start blowing against you, you have to adjust your sails and prepare for the storm at sea. My doctor once told me “Always prepare for war in a time of peace.” Never again will I allow myself to crumble because of my inability to allow people to take more than I am able to give.
Learning to be alone has been an experience. However, I have discovered so much about the person I long to become, the runner I strive to be, and understanding how to avoid ever getting myself in the situation I was in before. Change is scary, but in my life it was necessary. This Thursday I turn 23, and as young as I may be I can’t help but be relieved that this year is almost over. So much loss has occurred this year and I am just hoping for some good to start happening.
On the bright side, I am starting a new school- The University of Missouri St. Louis. I have an awesome job centered on running and helping others become better educated, better trained, and stronger runners/walkers… Most importantly, I have finally come to peace with everything that’s happened over that past 4 months. I think being able to run and train like I used to has a lot to do with that. Getting stronger, faster, and being independent can do that to a person. Can I say that 23 will be my best year? No. I will say I won’t ever allow 22 to happen again.